Bob Mortimer’s ‘Train Guy’ is the funniest thing on the internet right now

You know the type. The dreaded loud commuter.

He’s the guy sitting in the Quiet Zone on a rammed rush hour train (back when going outside was still A Thing We Did). He’s roaring into his phone at a work colleague with little regard for weary fellow passengers in the vicinity, having the kind of conversation that makes you cringe so hard you physically recoil. 

With elongated vowels, he utters meaningless corporate jargon to make it sound like he’s rather busy and important. He bandies around words like “amazeballs” and “chillax” — throwbacks from the conversation he had with a teenage relative in 2010, which you also now know about.

Bob Mortimer gets it. The English comedian — famed for being one half of the Vic and Bob comedy duo — has immortalised this unfortunate part of our commutes with a recurring skit aptly called Train Guy. And it is basically the best thing on the internet right now. 

We’re all in need of a good belly laugh in these uncertain times — or as Train Guy says, “Just ROFLs.” And these skits are guaranteed to induce the kind of guffaws you likely haven’t uttered for quite some time. 

Maybe it’ll make you nostalgic for your old commute — the one that lasted longer than your daily walk from your bedroom to the living room. 

Format-wise, the Train Guy videos always feature a phone call with someone called “Col” — short for Colin — who he apparently works with. There’s a recurring joke about their boss Geoff Linton AKA “THE Geoff Linton”. And usually Train Guy signs off his calls with a kind, but inexplicable offer of “have a campachoochoo on me”. 

Pencil Cases

My personal favourite is the Pencil Cases episode of Train Guy, which features absolute corkers like “Vision Express yourself….yeah do it boi!” and “We’ve gotta mindfart the living shit out of this until the perfect bubble rises.” What?

“Listen, have a campachoochoo on me, yup! You are, as always, a vigorous pigeon. And of course, ciao and bella pommefritio,” says Train Guy. 

Litter Tray 

The Litter Tray episode is a real treat. “Look at you, check out that side parting, Moses would be proud of you,” begins Train Guy. “I know, I’m hilario!”

Geoff Linton — yep, THE Geoff Linton — gets another special mention, of course.

“Listen I’m in London, buuuusy busy busy,” he says. “If I don’t slow down I’m gonna have to carry my own litter tray.”

Orange Polo Neck

Now, onto Orange Polo Neck, which features the immortal line: “Yeah hilario! Just for the ROFLs.”

“Yeah so I’m navigating Network Fail up to London, win-win-count-me-in city,” begins Train Guy, who apparently has a “visage-upon-visage one-to-one” with his boss coming up. The sign-off is, to borrow Train Guy’s vocabulary, hilario.

“You are as always, an Edwardian cockerel. Ciao and bella gracianooooo, see ya Col.” 

Phil Collins Tickets 

This next episode, Phil Collins Tickets features a particularly ridiculous introduction. 

“Hi Col, yaaaaaaah, oooooooh! Yeah! Check me out boi!” begins Train Guy. “Yeah, I’m at home at my isolation inspiration station,” he goes on to say, working from home. Remind me to start referring to my kitchen as that immediately?

“The Linton wants me in a cocoon, yup! Must be a major player, this guy, ya!” 

Colin’s Bracelet 

In the Colin’s Bracelet episode, I’m grateful to Bob Mortimer’s brain for coming up with the line: “That was a Birdseye Potato ROFL.” Not only because I love potato waffles, but because this line needs to become part of our everyday vernacular. 

“Geoff Linton’s getting anxious trousers about the pencil case designs,” said Train Guy, again referring to the elusive Geoff Linton. 

Train Guy ended the call by saying: “You are, as always, a buttery spaniel.” Nice. 

Valentine Salami 

Now, onto Valentine Salami. This particular episode proffers a nugget of information about the Lintonator, folks. 

“Just had an e-plop from Geoff Linton, yep THE Geoff Linton,” begins Train Guy. “You know they say he actually put the point on the Shard,” he adds, referring to London’s 95-storey skyscraper. Impressive stuff. 

Pillow Talk  

Then there’s Pillow Talk, an episode that features more “yups” and “yas” than I’ve ever heard in my life. And of course, it wouldn’t be a Train Guy skit without the signature sign-off. “You are, as always, a peaceful ferret,” he concluded.

Back to work 

Finally, this episode is a lesson for anyone who’s ever referred to Christmas as “Crimbo.” 

Perhaps hearing Train Guy ask Col if he’d had a good “Crimbo-Maaasssss” will make you realise what you sound like, yeah? OK good. 

THE Geoff Linton 

Wondering what the big deal is about Geoff Linton — yes THE Geoff Linton — AKA the Lintonator? 

Well, wonder no more. Comedian Matt Berry is THE Geoff Linton. He uses words like “shiz” and “pronto” and, well, it’s easy to see why they call him the Lintonator. 

Alright everyone, hope you’ve enjoyed this delicious distraction from things happening in the world right now. 

You are, as always, vigorous pigeons. Please do have a campachoochoo on me.

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